'I've never had sex sober': Irish women in London share their darkest secrets

‘Cailíní Secret’ project encourages Irish women to access mental health supports


Do you have a nagging secret that you have never told a soul? Has that secret become so big in your mind that it affects your wellbeing?

Irish women living in London are less likely than other groups to seek the support of mental health services, and one group believes this could be due to a “culture of shame” that encourages them to keep their thoughts, feelings, fears, dreams and regrets hidden.

In an effort to encourage more Irish women to unburden themselves of their secrets, Camden’s Mental Health Wellbeing Hub invited them to send their secrets anonymously on a postcard. Two thousand blank postcards were distributed among the Irish community across London last year.

“What we saw was beautiful and humbling,” says Kumar Grant, who managed the project. “Slowly at first, secrets started to arrive; personal confessions that had been kept hidden for sometimes more than 30 or 40 years.”

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The postcards they received, many of them illustrated, have been collected in a new book, Cailíní Secret: No one is alone in what they feel, which will be launched today at the London Irish Centre in Camden, to mark St Brigid's Day.

Recurring themes emerge in the collection of 76 postcards; hidden abortions and adoptions, loneliness and isolation, and body image “confessions” appear again and again.

Assistant project manager Aoife Clements, who drew on her own experience of loneliness after moving from Belfast to London to study two years ago, says a strong stigma still exists around mental health issues.

“In our culture, depression can be felt as something shameful and mental health in general can be seen as ‘not a proper illness’,” she says.

“Cailíní Secret was created by Irish women for Irish women. We understand that one of our strengths - our endurance and ability to get on with things without making a fuss - can also be a weakness. In times of unhappiness, distress or life difficulty, many of us conceal our struggles instead of seeking support”.

Holding secrets can be heavy and burdensome, Clements says.

“Secrets draw upon our mental and emotional strength and can make us feel tired or stressed. They also have the power to put strain on our relationships with friends and family. Sharing secrets can bring closeness and understanding, whilst easing an emotional burden.”

Men and women from the Irish community are "significantly more likely to be diagnosed with a serious mental illness and be admitted to a mental health unit than other groups", according to the 2015 Camden and Islington Public Health Report on Mental Health.

Irish women are also more likely to be admitted to hospital for neurotic disorders. The report found that people of Irish descent are under-represented in services for common mental health disorders.

Cailíní Secret is part of a broader campaign initiated and funded by the NHS Camden Clinical Commissioning Group attempting to encourage more Irish women and other underrepresented groups to access mental health support services.

Cailíní Secret was inspired by the PostSecret project, set up by Frank Warren in 2005, which has received and published thousands of secrets sent anonymously on the back of a postcard from people all over the US.

Aoife Clements on the spirit of sharing secrets

Secret 1: It's okay to talk about how you feel. Sometimes we forget that it is more than okay to talk about our feelings. If you're feeling anxious or you're experiencing low mood for an extended period of time you don't have to "just get on with it". With a quarter of London cailíní experiencing similar feelings, it could be anybody - your sister, your friend, your mammy. I know, she always seems like she has it together, but sometimes even the rock of the family needs support.

Secret 2: No matter how you are feeling, you are not alone. We all have things that we hide from others. Sometimes this can be a burden. Sharing a secret can help lighten the load, especially if you have never told anyone before. It also helps others know that they are not alone in what they feel.

This one can be easy to forget. This is the reason why instead of keeping your secrets secret, we want to share them with as many Irish women as we can through Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and on our website cailínísescret.com.