I’m like, “A what?”
And Honor goes, “A double date. It’s cute.”
I’m there, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Claire from Bray of all places–”
She’s like, “Yes.”
“ – and her husband, Garret–?”
“Dad, calm down.”
“ – are going on a double-date with my old man–”
“Dad, you’re shouting.”
“ – and Claire’s old dear from Bray of all places?”
“Her name is Bernie.”
“Then Bernie from Bray of all places? Am I missing something?”
“You mean aport from your volume control? Why are you so angry?”
“Because my old dear is barely cold in the ground.”
“Er, Fionnuala and Chorles were both with people before – as in, like, with with? They were, like, divorced for eight years, remember?”
“I’ll never forgive you for setting him up on the apps. Now he’s on a date with a woman named Bernie.”
She goes, “Are you worried about–?”
I’m like, “What?”
“ – your inheritance?”
“Well, I wasn’t until you just mentioned it.”
“If he, like, falls in love with this woman and then marries her–”
“Are you doing this deliberately?”
“I’m just saying it happens.”
“I feel sick.”
“He might leave everything to her. And then when she dies–”
“Jesus, it’ll go to Garret and Claire. From Bray of all places.”
“Like I said, you read about this thing happening all the time.”
I end up losing my shit.
I’m there, “Honor, I want to know when this date is happening. And don’t lie–”
“Tonight,” she goes. “Eight o’clock. They’re meeting in a restaurant called A Wok in a Hard Place on Quinnsboro Road.”
I’m there, “You gave that up surprisingly easily.”
And she shrugs and goes, “I just like the chaos.”
I haven’t asked your dad for money, Ross. We’re out on a double-date – which you’re gate-crashing, by the way
— Bernie from Bray of all places
I check the time. It’s already ten to eight. I head for the door, turning back to go, “A Wok in a Hord Place. I’ve never said a word about Bray that wasn’t 100 per cent warranted.”
Twenty minutes later I pull up outside the place and I morch straight in there. I spot the four of them sitting at a table in the corner.
“Kicker!” the old man goes when he sees me. “Bernie, this is Ross! Son and heir to the family overdraft!”
Bernie is dolled up to the nines – or what passes for it out that way. She’s overdone the fake tan in a big time way and she’s wearing every piece of jewellery she’s ever owned.
My opening line is, “I came as soon as I heard.”
And she’s like, “Oh! As the actress said to the bishop!” and then she storts honking like – literally? – a donkey being machine-gunned to death.
The old man’s there, “Claire was just telling me about this organic coffee shop of hers that’s staffed by ex-offenders. What’s this it’s called again?”
“Second Shot Roasters,” the girl goes. “We actually have two shops at the moment, but we’re hoping to eventually have branches in Enniskerry, Kilcoole, Rathdrum, Delgany, Arklow, Gorey–”
I’m like, “You can forget about it.”
She’s there, “Excuse me?”
I’m like, “You’re trying to get money out of him, aren’t you?”
Claire’s like, “I haven’t asked your dad for money, Ross. We’re out on a double-date – which you’re gatecrashing, by the way – and he just happened to ask me how my business was going.”
“That’s right!” the old man goes. “From one entrepreneur to another!”
I end up not hearing what gets said next because Garret reaches into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulls out a small, flat box, which he places on the table and then opens it. It contains – I shit you not – a set of chopsticks with, like, patterns on them.
I’m sorry, who the fock brings their own chopsticks to a Chinese restaurant? I actually end up saying it out loud.
Garret goes, “People who’ve travelled, Ross – and seen a bit of the world.”
I’m there, “It’s like men who bring their own cue to the pool hall. It’s what wankers do.”
The old man goes, “Garret here was telling me all about his adventures in southeast Asia, Ross! Some of the places he’s been to sound extraordinary!”
Garret’s there, “Like I said, you’ll have a much more rewarding experience if you explore the road less travelled.”
Dude, they’re gold diggers. They’re after your money slash my inheritance
“Oh! As the actress said to the bishop!” Bernie goes, followed by the honk-honk-honk, rat-tat-tat-tat, honk-honk-honk of her laugh.
Garret storts working his chopsticks and going, “There’s actually a lot more I’d like to see – especially of Thailand and Vietnam. Except obviously it’s expensive. It might have to wait until I retire, given that we’re talking about expanding the business.”
I look at the old man and I’m like, “Sorry, are you asking to be taken advantage of here?”
The old man goes, “What on earth has got into you, Kicker?”
I’m there, “Dude, they’re gold diggers. They’re after your money slash my inheritance.”
Claire from Bray of all places is like, “Excuse me?”
And Garret goes, “Typical attitude of someone who’s never seen anything of the world or experienced a culture other than his own.”
And that’s when I end up absolutely flipping. I snatch the chopsticks out of his hand and, yeah, no, I snap them in two – well, four – then I drop the pieces on the table.
Claire’s there, “Oh! My God! What is wrong with you?”
I’m like, “I won’t stand idly by and watch my old man get screwed by you people.”
And then I point at Bernie, who’s about to open her mouth, and I go, “Don’t say it! Do not make that joke again!”
