Question
Every year, we take it in turn to go our respective families’ homes for Christmas – and I absolutely dread going to his parents’.
His mother is a control freak, and she criticises everything I do, say or wear. She is particularly negative about my parenting, and she never holds back on snide remarks on the children and how my career is getting in the way of their wellbeing. She cannot abide anything being out of place, so I follow the kids around and clean and tidy up after them.
Any present I give her is treated as disposable, and I know she mostly regifts them – and I think I actually saw an expensive candle I bought her in her friend’s house last year. Honestly, even though I am her daughter-in-law for almost five years now, I feel that things are getting worse and not better between us. My husband has this fantastic ability to ignore what is going on and tells me to let it run off me, but I am actually not sleeping at the moment with the thought of spending Christmas with them.
I love this time of year normally and, honestly, I want my kids and family to love it too, but spending nearly a week at my in-laws’ is turning me into an angry, on-edge person that nobody would want to be with.
Answer
We have such high expectations of Christmas which, when combined with rose-coloured memories from our childhoods, means that disappointment is almost inevitable.
However, your issue is compounded by your difficulties with your mother-in-law, and as she is now part of your life, you need to see whether there are things you can do to ease the situation.
Firstly, your attitude can be modified, but this will require some understanding. You say your husband’s mum is a control freak, and this means she is trying to manage her fear that the world is actually out of control. It might help your attitude to know that fear is what is governing her actions, and that when things happen outside her routine or expectations, she responds with fear and domination.
[ ‘I’m dreading Christmas – it will be my first without alcohol since my teens’Opens in new window ]
While you do many things to placate her, behind it all you may be disapproving and resentful, and this may actually increase her reactions. If one of your children were fearful, you might respond with calmness and love and not indulge their projections, so it is worth applying the same response to your mother-in-law.
‘It might be a stretch to ask you to love your mother-in-law, but she too deserves to be accepted as she is, so have a go’
You give her a thoughtful gift and then suffer as she dismisses it by handing it over to someone else, so it might be possible for you to give her a gift this year in the knowledge that it will be regifted, and so you will be less upset when it happens. Your mother-in-law may (even yet) be struggling with her change of role from mother to grandmother, and it might be interesting to investigate this. If your husband and others in her life simply let what she says roll off them, she may be feeling invisible or unimportant, and so she resorts to comfort mechanisms such as control.
It might be worth talking to your husband about how he might actually listen and engage with his mother more meaningfully, and see whether this eases her anxiety. There is also an option of changing the traditions – how about you inviting your in-laws to your house for Christmas and perhaps limit the time to a couple of days? Or perhaps book a house (or do a home exchange) so that you are all in neutral territory where there are no prior patterns or habits? You could get the kids to do the invites, let them make plans for the day, and take into account that mess and untidiness might upset their grandmother, so they could organise a special space where toys or food are not allowed. You could make a tinsel barrier for this that they might find fun.
When we love someone, we can allow the person their foibles and still engage with the characteristics we like. It might be a stretch to ask you to love your mother-in-law, but she too deserves to be accepted as she is, so have a go, lighten your attitude, and open up some hope for change. If you can model change yourself, then it is possible for others to follow. This is often the role of newcomers into a family – they can challenge the existing (strong or stuck) patterns, and offer an alternative where everyone is freer and kinder. However, resisting change is a human tendency, so expect discomfort and resistance.
As always, you will need breaks during this time, so recruit your husband to allow you time away with your friends as this will facilitate your capacity for returning with good intentions, and everyone will benefit.
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