We’ve all learnt by now that the easiest way to judge the greatness of a rugby tussle is to check the decibel reading on a Donal-o-meter, the higher the pitch of the Lenihan man’s voice, the more exhilarating the spectacle.
Admittedly, it’s not a foolproof exercise, occasionally Donal will let out a high-frequency shriek along the lines of ‘WHAT. IS. HE. DOOOOOOOING?!”, usually directed at referees (we’re looking at you here, Wayne Barnes) which, of course, signals exasperation rather than exhilaration. But, on the whole, when he reaches falsetto levels, you know you’re watching a zinger.
And so it was on Saturday afternoon, that first half between our lads and the French? Ah now.
It was, perhaps, when Andrew Porter crossed the line and Donal noted that “That’s thrEEEEEee triIIIIIIIes for Ireland in 26 minutes!!!!!”, that you truly knew you were watching something quite special.
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By the time Garry Ringrose and his twinkle toes got the fourth, the Donal-o-meter shattered.
This couch is usually reluctant to share its rugby expertise, largely because it doesn’t possess any, but we’re going to go out on a limb here: this Irish team is rather good.
Mind you, so are the French.
It was later in the day that Andrew Trimble, on Virgin Media duty, admitted that France had scared him witless for a significant chunk of the game. “I felt like until they were dead they were not dead at all,” he said, speaking for the entire nation.
“They were throwing the ball around, just having the craic, like they were playing in their back garden - but 15 unbelievably talented athletes playing in someone’s back garden.”
If you looked out your kitchen window and saw Antoine Dupont having the craic in your back garden, you’d summon the neighbours and charge them €200 in.
It’s not often that we cite Donald Rumsfeld around these parts, but how Dupont prevented Mack Hansen from scoring that try will forever be an unknown unknown.
RTE, then, were blessed to have plucked this fixture from the hat, although they had their issues early on when everything went a little bit glitchy and Jerry Flannery was left sounding like Mickey Mouse, and, worse, Jamie Heaslip was wearing a turtleneck.
[ Did the gap between France and Ireland just get wider?Opens in new window ]
ITV had their problems too, mind. They thought Brian O’Driscoll was going to be on their panel, but instead a bespectacled cross between Clark Kent and a chemistry teacher turned up, Rory Best and George Gregan left befuddled.
And so overwhelmed by all things Irish was our ITV host Jill Douglas, she introduced Gabriel Clarke as “Gabriel Byrne” when she lined up his post-match chat with Hugo Keenan. “Well, he DOES have movie star looks,” she said, apologising for her error. If she had added, “but Clarkie never starred with Batty and Benny in The Riordans,” she would, quite literally, have blown our minds.
Back on RTE, Bernard Jackman proved to be the most overworked man on the planet, his task to drop in some analysis of the key happenings during the game, “where the bloody hell do I start” the gist of his contribution towards the end of that first half.
Mercifully, for Bernard, things calmed down a touch in the second half, the game reverting to - technical-term-alert - a catty-mousey affair, France having the craic before Ringrose ensured there’d be no rosiness for them in Ireland’s back garden.
Jacqui Hurley very accurately forecast that we would now lose the run of ourselves after that performance, Jerry and Stephen Ferris nodding furiously, but while Jamie doesn’t always speak our language, what with “work-ons”, “learnings” and the like, he echoed our thoughts on this issue: where’s the harm in losing the run of yourself?
Granted, in Rugby World Cup terms it has led to crushed hearts in the past, but if you can’t get giddy about this bunch, you’re tragically giddy-averse.
Back on Virgin Media, Matt Williams was emoting about what we had witnessed. “That first half was as good a 40 minutes of rugby as you’ll ever see,” he said. But? He reckoned the defeat, which ended their run of 14 straight wins, could actually prove to be a good thing for France, ahead of them hosting the World Cup later in the year.
“The longer you go on a winning streak, the closer you are to the end of it,” he said.
That was quite a negative reading from the Matt-o-meter, so we’ll stick with Donal’s. Giddy, that man. And no more than ourselves, he’d happily pay to see these Irish lads having the craic in any back garden.
