ALL IN THE GAME:Inviting Roy Keane and Patrick Vieira to a charity auction where they would compete against each other?

There are, you have to say, no flies on St Bede’s College in Cheshire.

According to the Mirror last week, Keane bid £500 for a meal for 10 at Manchester’s renowned Yang Sing restaurant, the proceeds going to the college.

But Vieira, Keane’s nemesis for so many years during his days at Arsenal, upped the offer to £510 at the last minute.

There ensued an all out bidding war between the midfield enforcers, until Vieira made a final offer of £1,000.

Did Keane wave a white flag and accept defeat graciously? Ha, the old ones.

When he and nine pals dine at Yang Sing his bill will be £2,000. Bon appetit.

Mandaric maintaining the faith: Frustrating figures can still add up to big job for Harry

“With Harry, two plus two always makes five, not three. Harry sees the whole picture.”

It mightn’t add up all that well, but Milan Mandaric is still making the case for Redknapp getting the England job.

“As long as you hit the target, they’re going to go in — if the keeper don’t make a save.”

But if Redknapp turns the post down, Ian Holloway would be happy to have it – and he was busy reminding the English FA of his footballing expertise last week.

“Light the beacons across the land, let the church bells ring out with joy and record in the annals of history that Fabio Capello’s final decision as England manager proved to be his best.”

The Daily Telegraph’s Henry Winter bids a tearful farewell to Fabio.

“The FA have approached chief executive David Gill today to speak to me. So I said I would make the decision on April 1st. It’s a good idea – I could relegate them.”

Alex Ferguson, with divil a lion on his chest.

“That’s the best thing that could happen because he’s a terrible son of a whore and a nappy s*****r who doesn’t know how to play Barca.”

Lautaro Higuain, brother of Real Madrid’s Gonzalo, tweeting his thoughts on rumours of Jose Mourinho’s imminent departure from the club. Training must have been lovely for Gonzalo next morning.

“Football is nice sometimes because a mouse may be happy to have taken points from an elephant.”

Giuseppe Sannino after his Siena side squeaked its way to a 0-0 draw with Juventus.

“Wayne should keep his nose out of it. He didn’t do enough on the pitch when Capello was manager. He should concentrate on being a player and not on who he wants as England manager.”

Roy Keane advises young Rooney to quit tweetin’.

Putting a North End to rumours: Textual healing

PRESTON MANAGER Graham Westley has a reputation for sending his players rather peculiar text messages, usually intended to motivate them ahead of games. Last month, though, he chose to inform four of his team that they had been dropped for the next day’s league game against Orient, breaking the news by text at two o’clock in the morning.

But odder still was the report about another message he was said to have sent his squad. It went something like this: “In view of the must win game tomorrow beware of the low flying aircrafts as we are in a very high hotel which will be a target for al quaeda (sic) leaders. If we come under attack we must stick together and keep evolving as a team and bring pain on them. Make sure u have right footwear on in case of such events.”

Eh? Well, cue the apology of this or any other season, from The Sun: “An article on 30 January incorrectly stated that Graham Westley, manager of Preston North End, had sent a bizarre late-night text telling players to prepare for a 9/11 style terror attack and encouraging reaction to it. We accept that Mr Westley sent no such text to players or otherwise.”

TV oops moment: BBC error as the  wrong call is made on Redknapp verdict

The BBC had, alas, a very giant “oops” moment last week when its News 24 channel brought word of the verdict in Harry Redknapp’s trial.

With their breaking news ticker announcing “Harry Redknapp found guilty of tax evasion”, reporter James Pearce wrongly said the Spurs gaffer had been found guilty on one count, before an off-camera colleague put him right.

Redknapp had, of course, been found not guilty.

“This was a live broadcast and we immediately corrected the error on-air. We apologise for any confusion,” the BBC later apologised.

You can only hope Mrs Redknapp back home wasn’t relying on News 24 for word on her husband’s fate.

Caught conning: Lengths taken to get Ipswich ticket

POOR GARETH Wilden, all he wanted to do was take his girlfriend to Ipswich Town’s game against Blackpool at Portman Road and he ends up in court and being labelled a “dim-witted conman” by the Ipswich Star.

In fairness, though, the Star had a point.

Wilden walked in to a Marks Spencer store, picked up a €55 jumper, took it to the changing rooms, damaged it, took it to the customer services desk where he was given a €55 credit note. All this because he was “desperate for money” to pay for his girlfriend’s ticket.

Having been captured on CCTV Wilden had no option but to plead guilty to fraud and criminal damage at South East Suffolk Magistrates’ Court, his punishment a one-year conditional discharge – he also had to pay his costs and Marks Spencer €55 in compensation.

“It’s all rather pathetic. Don’t do it again. Pay for your football tickets in the ordinary fashion,” said the judge.

The saddest part, really, is that Wilden, presumably, hoped to get a €55 cash refund from the store. The vision of him trying to buy a ticket at Portman Road with an MS credit note is enough to make you cry.

Confusion reigns: Too many things on Harry’s mind

THE BBC’s Dan Roan attended Harry Redknapp’s pre-match press conference at Tottenham’s training ground on Friday morning and was good enough to share with his Twitter readers live updates on the manager’s thoughts on what proved to be a rather eventful week.

Eg: “Redknapp on if he’s approached by FA: “I’d have to consider it obviously . . . but there’s been no approach..” Appears to rule out job-share.”

“Redknapp: “On long drive this morning you start to think about thongs...”.

Hold it, ‘Arry. Thongs? “Things Things Things …. sorry!,” Dan quickly tweeted.

“Never realised until now how much difference ‘o’ ‘i’ can make in certain words!” Well, indeed.