Did you know you’re not supposed to wear black to a wedding? Me neither. As the lore goes, wearing black to a wedding signifies that you’re showing disapproval of the union, but are stopping short of having a full moment when the celebrant asks if anyone in the room knows of any lawful impediment why these two should not be wed in holy matrimony. Well, the celebrant always asks that in the movies, but I felt short-changed when I started going to real life weddings and there were no such dramatics.
I wore black to at least 10 weddings before I learned that I should have been keeping it for funerals. And then I continued to wear black to weddings because if I have one toxic trait it’s that I think wedding culture is bananas. Obviously, I didn’t object to any of the unions I’ve attended (well, not many of them anyway) but of the many facets of the wedding industry I find baffling, fussy dress codes are right up there.
Not wearing white to a wedding is a given. Even I, a sceptic, can appreciate that competing with the bride on the big day is a huge faux pas. I mean, the idea that a guest might be mistaken for the bride or somehow outshine them does come off as slightly hysterical – both in terms of humour and neuroses – but I can concede that the only one looking virginal should be Herself. However, as a woman raised to believe that black is the only colour one can look presentable in, you will take my comfy shadowy jumpsuit from my cold, dead hands.
It was also news to me that red is to be avoided, lest one looks like a harlot or again appears to take the attention away from the happy couple in any way. To this I ask: we are already at your wedding; how much more attention do you need? To me it is deranged that marrying couples are treated like untouchable royalty for celebrating what is essentially an arbitrary decision.
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There are pre-wedding weight-loss plans, skincare routines and hair “journeys”. There is specific wedding underwear that could finance a house deposit
It only takes a brief dip into the internet to realise how powerful wedding culture is and how quickly the special day can spin out of control. The emphasis on perfection and veneration can bring out the worst in people. There are anecdotes about an elderly aunt shunned because of a cream suit she felt comfortable in. There was a seven-year-old autistic ring bearer fired from his job because the bride didn’t want his Spider-Man costume – the only thing he was contented in – in her wedding photos. I’ve seen invites where guests were forbidden from wearing a whole rainbow of colours so that they didn’t take focus away from the palette of the wedding party. Is it a wedding or a performance?
A recent trend has emerged where, in order to wow guests and surprise her new spouse, a bride might be whisked away mid-reception and return with a brand new, shorter haircut. A friend who works in the wedding industry has confirmed that the trend has reached our shores. Now, who among us didn’t watch The Late Late Toy Show as children and feel pangs of regret that we were never enrolled in the Billie Barry Kids? I fear it is the haircut brides who never quite got over that feeling.
“Haircut brides” is misogynistic, and it is when I talk about weddings when my misogyny alarm bell goes off in my head. Then I remind myself that wedding ceremonies are rooted in the exchange of women like property, that marriage is bizarrely sold to women as an achievement, and that all of this is taking place amid late-stage capitalism and a billion-dollar industry that feeds off the tales told to little girls, and I give myself a break.
There are pre-wedding weight-loss plans, skincare routines and hair “journeys”. There is specific wedding underwear that could finance a house deposit. There are the hen and stag “dos” that spiral into resentment, fallouts and debt. I’ve seen friendships end over wedding expectations. I’ve seen couples speak about how much cash they’ve made from their guests, in front of their guests. I’ve witnessed homophobic homilies delivered in front of dearly beloved LGBTQI+ family members, although thankfully more and more couples decide against church weddings if they are not practising members.
I’ve also seen true exhilaration, joy and friendship. I’ve cried and laughed along with the happiest of couples and delighted in their special days. The most special days have been the ones where it didn’t really matter what people wore, how everything looked and how much money was in the envelopes. And I was wearing black at every single one.