Question
I am single and in my late 40s. It is very frustrating, and not just the extra cost of going on holidays and the single supplement in hotel rooms. It is the pressure that I come under from my extended family and friends – they subtly, and not-so-subtly, suggest that I’d be happier in a relationship – no doubt to be more like them. This is often in spite of the fact that they are always complaining about their own relationships and think that I’ve nothing better to do than listen endlessly to their woes.
My friends will organise for someone to “bump” into us in a bar with the idea that I might connect up with their suggested person, and I feel like a burden who needs to be handed over. Then there is the opposite problem – I was in a long-term relationship once and it seems that having a separated person around can be risky for some people – they don’t like leaving me alone with their partners for fear I will tempt them. It’s completely mad.
I can get left out of “couples” dinner parties and only hear about it by accident. Why keep this hidden? It’s as if I have a disease. Then there is the pressure of the plus-one at weddings; it’s got to the stage where I get very stressed if an invitation arrives and I try to come up with an excuse not to go.
I do feel vulnerable sometimes and yes, I’d like to share my life with someone, but I’m now cross all the time as I feel both pressure and disapproval from everyone.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
You make some really good points, but maybe you are putting a negative spin on some of what is going on. It might be that your friends can spot that you would like someone special in your life and are trying to make that happen for you. Some decent communication might stop the nonsense (accidental encounters) but this would mean that you would have to be truthful about your anger and your sense of being a burden.
Your friends would then be able to ask you what you want and maybe have a healthy exchange of views with you about how they can support you or back off from “helping”. There is a balance to be struck between your friends looking out for you and causing offence, but the only way they will know this will be you bringing it to their attention.
This has to be done without resentment, as you do not want them to take offence either, so find a way to be open and compassionate with them and all sorts of conversations can then be had. The friends who worry that you might tempt their partners away are insecure and if it is a good enough friendship, you might tackle this. Their fear is getting in the way of friendship, and it is making their lives smaller and more brittle so you might voice your solidarity with the friendship and offer support if an opportunity arises.
Do not join in their suspicions but focus on your relationship with them as this is the important one for you. Not all friends need to be invited to all dinner parties, but the issue is often that of perceived offence and again some open communication might help in this situation. Raise this as an issue with your group and see what people think and what their fears are.
You might find that there are a variety of views and that you are far from the odd one out. Maybe you could start some new traditions where you invite people for dinner based on their interests rather than on their relationships or suggest meeting somewhere casual enough for people to circulate without partnering being a thing.
The “plus one” at a wedding could also be interpreted as you bringing a friend, rather than lover, and again you might need to get confident with voicing this option. However, attending weddings can be very expensive (especially so for singletons) so expect friends to be circumspect about accepting. Also, when you know lots of people at a wedding, going on your own can be fun and enjoyable. You sound as though you are open to connecting with someone and, in truth, friends and events are often a way of opening up to the possibility of this happening.
Being resentful will give a very strong message to anyone to back off so you might look at your attitude and see if it needs changing. Having real and open conversations will increase your confidence, make your friendships deeper and allow you to pull down your defences. There are some things that are beyond your influence (extra pricing for single supplements) but you live in a world where your friends are human and thus make mistakes, so forgive them and show them how to want to be treated – everyone will benefit.
Being single is a powerful and contented way of life for a significant section of the population, perhaps you could connect with some of these so that you can join their sense of wellbeing and happiness and let go the frustrations you are experiencing.
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