Question
I feel that I have done everything I should have done to make my life a success – so why am I so dissatisfied?
I worked hard at school, got all the CAO points, went to college and did a course that would land me a well-paid job. Even did the year travelling the world thing, but I’m no happier than I was when I was 15. That year away was interesting, but it did not entice me into living abroad and I have no longing to go away somewhere. I feel bored and weary most of the time, nothing excites me the way I see others getting excited and I know that people look at me with curiosity and wariness. I’ve never had a relationship, but then never really wanted one, it seems too messy and hard work. But I do feel that I’m missing out on something.
I have all the usual accoutrements of car, house and holidays, and I have no fears about future finance, but it is not enough. I don’t know what I am supposed to feel, but surely life needs to have more to it than this. Perhaps this is the best that can be achieved and if that is the case, then it’s not worth all the effort and the promise of all the teachers and parents.
When I was younger, I loved art but my parents (rightly) told me that this would not support a life, so I took the route into finance and it has worked out well. I often wonder, though, if I’d be happier living in the proverbial attic and underselling my work. Somehow, I doubt it. I’m in my 40s now and wondering if this is it.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
You do sound world weary and burnt out so perhaps some kind of self-assessment is needed. Your life has no surprises or challenges, and the dissatisfaction is pushing you to ask the great philosophical questions: why am I here? What is the purpose of life? How do I create meaning?
You might consider signing up for some philosophy courses, or at least commit to reading some of the texts that have both challenged and stretched people for eons. Socrates used questions to interrogate the meaning of life and philosophers have offered many means of investigating and being curious about the world we live in. Art too has a long history of representing and challenging our versions of life, so some immersion in this might open up avenues for you to express yourself and find meaning.
The search for meaning is fundamental for humankind and you are in good company if you engage with this. But it won’t happen without you leaving your comfort zone and putting time and effort into the investigation. If you like intellectual stimulation, look at university offerings, as modules or micro-credentials might be on offer for you either in person or online. If you might like a more conversational route, you might look up discussion groups on philosophy or find a particular philosophy that is worth pursuing. There is also a sense that you are blocked or at least that you have somehow capped your capacity for engagement or enjoyment and, as you have resources, you might engage with a psychologist or psychotherapist about this. It can be a very different experience to analyse yourself in the presence of a professional, and to take the journey towards self-discovery.
You point to a number of areas worth looking at, including your lack of interest or desire for a relationship. You don’t mention if friendship is included in this and if so, then some investigation is called for as some of your dissatisfaction may be stemming from lack of human connection. You seem to have reached a point of maximum return in your working life and you are suggesting that art may yet have something to offer you. A way of checking out both human connection and art is to join an art class or weekly group and stick with it for some time so that you can judge it fairly and see if it offers you some meaning.
While we need financial stability, you currently have no one depending on you so some risks can be taken and maybe you could consider some options such as using the “shorter working year” scheme or taking a career break to fully immerse yourself in a different type of existence. Your stable life would still be available, but you could risk fully putting yourself outside your comfort zone to see what it offers you.
[ ‘I want out of this marriage, but feel like I am trapped’Opens in new window ]
Anything from taking on an education course to volunteering for a charity would open up a different world to you and it might crack some of your apathy, thus allowing something unforeseen in.
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