I’m in my mid-30s and was fortunate enough that I lived with my parents for a few years before I saved up and moved into my own place a year ago, in a nearby area my parents have always themselves wanted to live in.
Now that my final sibling has moved out and the nest is empty, they are downsizing, and house-hunting close to me. As such, they are often in the area, and ask can they call in on the weekends.
As I’ve no set plans when they ask on Wednesdays or Thursdays, I say yes, and end up spending a chunk of the day with them. I’m trying to build a social life/plan for myself now, but how can I when my parents want to see me all the time?
Just to be clear, I love my parents. But dad rang me at 11am to arrange to drop in with lunch on Friday. My parents came over on Saturday and we spent the day together on the beach, and I mentioned going to another town to do some things today – specifically saying I want to get stuff done that I don’t have time for during the week. Now my mother just texted me to say: “Let me know when you are going, and we can meet up for a swim.”
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
I’ve mentioned going on holiday to the UK and my mother asked whether she could come with me. Again, I didn’t say “No”. I’ve an ingrained response of not wanting to say no when there isn’t a “reason”, but I’m starting to feel like every time I’m around my parents, I revert back to deferring to them or putting off my solo plans in order to spend time with them, like I’m still in my 20s.
I’m single and always have been, so possibly my parents don’t see me as grown up, or aren’t worried about intruding on a third party like they would with my married siblings. Maybe they worry that I’m lonely without someone else being in the house.
How do I gently set boundaries on this, without lying to them?
Clearly, there is a need to create some boundaries, but you like your parents, they like you, and hanging out together often works. We often struggle with moving our childhood relationships to a more adult footing (particularly since Covid, when many people returned to their original homes), but almost everyone is aware of the need for this to happen, so it is unlikely that there will be resentment or hurt when your need for independence is asserted.
It is entirely possible to have a great relationship with your parents, while also having healthy boundaries, but this requires some grown-up assertion from you. You suggest your parents might be worried that you are lonely and perhaps you need to talk to them about that – they will understand that you might need some loneliness in order to push you into greater engagement with a separate community of your own. It might be hard for your parents (who love you) to watch you struggle or to not jump in to fix things for you, but they will find greater separation understandable – so there is no need for lying.
‘Your parents sound like stable and capable people, and you can try having faith that they are robust enough to handle such a conversation’
There is often a fear behind lying, or feeling the need to lie, and it is worth looking at what your fear is. Is it that you fear they will feel rejected by you, or that they will be afraid to be as natural with you in the future? What you want is that they continue to ask for companionship, but that they are happy to get pushback from you on occasion and are not hurt by it. This requires that you pick up your courage and speak to them honestly and openly.
Your parents sound like stable and capable people, and you can try having faith that they are robust enough to handle such a conversation. If you make up a story, it is to protect you from conflict, and do not mistake this as doing something for their sake. Speaking more honestly will increase your confidence, create more opportunities for real connection, and free you up from fear.
In a more adult-to-adult relationship, you will need to insist on some level of privacy – where, for example, you might have someone stay over in your home – and again, this is establishing a healthy boundary. There is an urgency in your case around having real conversations, as you may need to talk to your parents about them moving house to one near you, about what ground rules might need to be set, and about how you and them can have separate but fulfilling lives, while also connecting as a family.
You have created a good life, and this next step will establish you as a confident person who has broad social engagement that includes family – but is not limited by it.
It all starts with taking the risk of speaking truthfully, and as you are doing this with people who clearly love you, the outcome seems assured.
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