Question
I’m finding it increasingly stressful getting through the preparation for our December wedding this year and have been blindsided by some people’s behaviour in my inner circle group.
The core issue is around my choosing my bridesmaids and I assumed it was my choice. Having my sister as one was a given, but then I chose two from my close friendship group of three, and my friend who wasn’t chosen has taken great umbrage to not being in our wedding party. The stress of this is starting to sour everything at this stage, she is absenting herself from most of the things we would do as a group and everything remotely related to my wedding preparation.
I don’t know how this will pan out in the months ahead, but at the moment it’s all I can take, making everything difficult and awkward. I felt that I did my best from the beginning, taking her aside to explain my decision, which I won’t go into here as it is too identifying, and doing so before I informed the friends I chose. I’m seeking advice because as difficult as it is now, my fear is that it could cause even more difficulties and trouble all round as it continues affecting everyone as the wedding approaches.
Answer
This is all very sad as your wedding day is such a special occasion in your life and the day should be one of celebration and joy. As you say, you are dealing with an underlying current of unease and hurt, and this needs to be addressed.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
I assume you have talked this over with your spouse-to-be and have had some input from them into your decisions? Do you have their support in your maintenance of this decision and, if so, can you talk over how to proceed? The other option is to talk to the other bridesmaids (as they are also close friends with the non-bridesmaid), but this may have the effect of further estranging the friend who is not included, and this might deepen her hurt.
You say you fear that things will get worse as the wedding approaches and this should be avoided if at all possible – you have invested so much time, money and emotion in the day and it is too valuable a thing to let it be open to disappointment.
It seems that talking to your friend is the way forward that has the most possibilities for you and this needs to be done without delay as the months will slip by quickly. You do not explain why she was signalled out as the one close friend who was not chosen to be in your wedding party and perhaps this is key to your decision. However, it is clear she is feeling rejected and hurt by your decision and has removed herself from much of the excitement. Can you show your respect for your friend by asking her to meet you somewhere other than your usual haunts, perhaps ask for an afternoon walk somewhere nice? Ask her what she sees are the problems between you and how she thinks they might be resolved. You might also ask her how she thinks the situation is affecting you and what the future holds for your friendship.
There is no need to come to a conclusion at the end of this conversation, but rather say that you should both reflect on what you have heard and agree to meet again. If you have been close friends, this should allow for some honesty between you. All friendship requires vulnerability, where we give those close to us the possibility of hurting us and yet we engage because when friendship works, it is one of life’s great balms and it can see us through our difficult times.
Has this friendship run its course and has your wedding identified a truth about the relationship that cannot be ignored any more?
Because the wedding is such a public event, you cannot simply let the friendship fade with time but have to take some action now that allows everyone to come through with dignity. Therefore, the conversation is a must, and you are the one who must drive it so that the focus of your wedding is on what it should be – your lifetime commitment to your partner.
The public aspect of this is where you invite your community to both support and celebrate this partnership and if this friend is part of that community, then this needs to be understood by both you and her, and indeed the wider friendship group who are also very affected by this situation. You are the person who can do something about this situation, so pluck up the courage and organise to meet your friend now.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com