Ross O'Carroll-Kelly columns
Ross and Honor dress up the visitors’ room to take the old dear to her favourite restaurant for a bloody Mary with an extra shot
Ross and Brett are hosting a living funeral for Fionnuala, but she can’t remember anyone
‘I hope she has one of her good days – because there’ll be some crowd at her living funeral’
The old dear is pretending she doesn’t know who Brett is, in the hopes of scaring him back to the US and as far away from yours truly as possible
Sorcha’s friend Claire has opened yet another cafe but this time with a new gimmick: all the staff are ex-offenders
Brett is in bed with a woman he met at the Divorcee Disco when his wife arrives at the front door
It’s the night before the Leaving Cert, and Sorcha wants to have a mother-daughter hort-to-hort
Brett has arrived downstairs for breakfast with a woman named Rowena, and Sorcha is accusing me of corrupting him
Brett, my brother slash half-brother, is clearly impressed by our tales in the pub. The dude can really put the drink away – that’s one thing he inherited from the old dear
My daughter is giving the valedictory at the Mount Anville graduation, and there’s a little something in it for everyone
So, my brother slash half-brother finds out what he missed out on by the old dear giving the dude away
His gaff is the size of the Powerscourt Hotel
We’re in the cor on the way to pick up Brett from the airport and Sorcha’s running me through a few talking points
Everyone just stares at me in silence like people sometimes do when I’ve made them think
Sorcha said we should possibly keep a closer eye on what our kids are up to after watching that TV show that everyone’s banging on about
She's sitting at the piano when I get to the nursing home to interrogate her about my half-brother
I’m actually shaking on the phone to Brett, like Thomond Park used to shake before 2019
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s the annual Paddy’s Day walk with the goys and the kids, and so far it’s not going well
Honor has been caught using ChatGPT and faces being expelled, or at the very least, impeached as head girl
‘They’re clearly not yours,’ I go when she hands me her mock Leaving Cert results
I’m there, ‘I’m here to find out if I have a brother or sister out there?‘ He’s like, ‘All in good time. I haven’t had nearly enough to drink yet'
I’m there to the guy, ‘Fionnuala O’Carroll. You were, like, engaged to her?‘ He looks genuinely terrified
It’s Valentine’s Day (or so she tells me), and Sorcha says she wants to spice things up
The old dear is in the deep end, treading water. I’m like, ‘Hey, how the hell are you?’ She goes, ‘I’m wonderful, Ross! Are you getting in?'
On her wedding day, Tina tells me that Ro calls the day I knocked on their door ‘the luckiest day of his life’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Ronan’s mum, Tina, has a new fiance, but here’s the big shocker – the dude plays rugby
As I greet her at arrivals after her trip to St Moritz, it’s clear from her face that things haven’t gone well
As head girl of Mount Anville, Honor is leading the sixth-year skiing trip to St Moritz – and turning a tidy profit in the process
After his old dear tells Ross that he has an unknown sibling, Ross raises the topic with his father on New Year’s Eve
She’s preparing a 15-bird roast for her old pair the week before Christmas, and I can already feel the tension coming off her
Before she falls asleep in the nursing home, she whispers a secret in my ear
I’m absolutely sure I wrapped the Christmas lights last year, and didn’t just fock them into the same box
Honor goes, ‘Don’t worry – it’s just our mother looking for likes from strangers again’
Honor’s like, ‘You compared me to Donald Trump’
There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. Who could be responsible for this cornage?
Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: JP is running the marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, but Honor’s telling runners they’re out of their focking minds
The old man is depressed about the closure of his favourite restaurant, and Hennessy is looking like a kid whose favourite toy is broken and he’s waiting for a grown-up to fix it for him
The goys are up in orms that I used to send them chicken feathers anonymously in the post after lousy displays. But I was their captain
Yeah, no, I’ve badly misjudged this one. She’s actually talking about having another baby
Hennessy, the old man and Honor are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. Which is exactly what they are
Oisinn is feeling old as he shows up to compere the UCD Iron Stomach Contest, but his exploits in the competition are still legendary on campus 23 years on
Sorcha is making unfounded allegations that my old man and Honor are in cahoots over the closed-bids system for the school skiing trip
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve possibly spoiled our daughter over the years, having decided very early on to give her absolutely everything she wants out of fear of the hurtful things she might say to me
Leo’s teacher stares at me silently. She’s clearly never met a father like me before
Teenagers are a mystery. You might as well ask why it gets dork at night. Nobody knows
The plot is farcical on the surface, but the absurdity of Ross’s life cloaks the relatable beneath
She goes, ‘Are you actually trying to talk me out of taking you back?’
The kitchen door opens and in they come, Sorcha’s old pair, the two of them with faces as long as an M50 tailback
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: At a borbecue in Christian’s gaff the cat is thrown out of the bag ... and now I’m in deep merde
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The vicar-slash-reverend-slash-whatever is joking about that – but not about the baptism part
My daughter has failed to turn up for community service. ‘Hennessy can’t get you out of every legal scrape,’ I say, an out-and-out lie
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m reading the epistle from St Paul to – randomly – the Ephesians, when Christian tells me his ex wants to get back together
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The boss woman in the Protestant church sees through me and presents her test to scare off timewasters
Crosswords & puzzles to keep you challenged and entertained
Inquests into the nightclub fire that led to the deaths of 48 people
How does a post-Brexit world shape the identity and relationship of these islands
Weddings, Births, Deaths and other family notices
