‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’
Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly columns
‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: JP is running the marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, but Honor’s telling runners they’re out of their focking minds
‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’
The old man is depressed about the closure of his favourite restaurant, and Hennessy is looking like a kid whose favourite toy is broken and he’s waiting for a grown-up to fix it for him
JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account
The goys are up in orms that I used to send them chicken feathers anonymously in the post after lousy displays. But I was their captain
‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’
Yeah, no, I’ve badly misjudged this one. She’s actually talking about having another baby
‘Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha,’ the old man goes. ‘We recognise that traditional media is our enemy now’
Hennessy, the old man and Honor are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. Which is exactly what they are
The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them
Oisinn is feeling old as he shows up to compere the UCD Iron Stomach Contest, but his exploits in the competition are still legendary on campus 23 years on
‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’
Sorcha is making unfounded allegations that my old man and Honor are in cahoots over the closed-bids system for the school skiing trip
The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve possibly spoiled our daughter over the years, having decided very early on to give her absolutely everything she wants out of fear of the hurtful things she might say to me
A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster
Leo’s teacher stares at me silently. She’s clearly never met a father like me before
‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’
Teenagers are a mystery. You might as well ask why it gets dork at night. Nobody knows
Don’t Look Back in Ongar: Ross O’Carroll-Kelly says an emotional, unexpectedly touching farewell
The plot is farcical on the surface, but the absurdity of Ross’s life cloaks the relatable beneath
Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag
She goes, ‘Are you actually trying to talk me out of taking you back?’
It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th
The kitchen door opens and in they come, Sorcha’s old pair, the two of them with faces as long as an M50 tailback
‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: At a borbecue in Christian’s gaff the cat is thrown out of the bag ... and now I’m in deep merde
How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The vicar-slash-reverend-slash-whatever is joking about that – but not about the baptism part
Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’
My daughter has failed to turn up for community service. ‘Hennessy can’t get you out of every legal scrape,’ I say, an out-and-out lie
‘Protestants are not that much different from us. I mean, they’re definitely less craic, but they get sh*t done’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m reading the epistle from St Paul to – randomly – the Ephesians, when Christian tells me his ex wants to get back together
‘What’s on offer,’ she goes, smiling, ‘is eternal life,’ and I do believe she’s flirting
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The boss woman in the Protestant church sees through me and presents her test to scare off timewasters
‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’
If getting Brian, Johnny and Leo into a new school means changing my religion and getting up on Sunday mornings, then I’ll do it
Honor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’
I assumed she was being sorcastic when she asked for tickets as port of her birthday present
Sorcha goes, ‘You had an erotic dream – about my mom?’
We can’t help what we dream about. I’m on the record as saying her old dear has a face like a roofer’s knee
Sorcha refuses to meet my eye. And I don’t blame her – setting up her own daughter like this
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Whiff of corruption hangs in air as Sorcha hosts ‘end-of-term lunch’ for Mount Anville moms
‘I want it gone, Ross. I want you to get it lasered off’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha is furious when she discovers that Ross got a tattoo in homage to Leinster’s European Cup achievements
Honor and Liesel are both smiling and it’s like driving towards a cor with its lights on full beam. I end up having to turn away
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The results are about to be announced in the election for Head Girl of Mount Anville
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly to retire as an author, but not as an Irish Times columnist
Paul Howard’s next Ross O’Carroll-Kelly book will be last in the million-selling series but Irish Times column will carry on
‘Goys – it’s time that I got the tattoo’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s Friday afternoon in London, the day before the European Champions Cup final. We’ve spent the last three hours talking about our favourite memories from our years following Leinster
‘Ross, someone has put up a poster of Honor on Foster Avenue.’ Apporently kompromat is the solution?
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha claims the campaign for Honor to become Mount Anville Head Girl has been dragged into the gutter - through personal attacks on other candidates and inducements to students to vote for her
‘What if she wins, Ross? I’ve already heard some of the other moms refer to her as the Trump candidate’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The election to decide Mount Anville’s next Head Girl is weeks away and Honor is one of the candidates
Can’t a father and son go for a pint without there being some, I don’t know, anterior motive?
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Taxi drivers see people like us in our sailing jackets and our sailing shoes, and they drive us all over the place
Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievement
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: This is south Dublin. We have our own ways here
‘There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old man has been secretly filmed doing something frankly sickening, but Honor says she can get the video taken down - at a price
‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Réaltín really is the most terrifying person I’ve ever met
‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Don’t you dare tell me that I’m over-reacting!’ she goes. ‘Don’t you dare try to gaslight me!’
‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Seriously, the Leinster Padel Championships make the Hunger Games look like Sports Day in Newpork Comprehensive
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’
The gorda is about to do me for speeding, but some things are more important than avoiding a driving ban
Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: On Sunday, it will be 25 years to the day since I led Castlerock College to victory, but where are the goys?
‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’
I’m playing in the quarter-finals of the Leinster Padel Championship with Réaltín when I feel suddenly hot and, I dunno, jerky
‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Yes, I’m wearing Lynx Africa, not to mask the smell of adultery, but that of B.O. - unbelievable as that obviously is
Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: After less than 60 seconds of this, she stops and goes, ‘I’m ringing Ronan’
‘There are a lot of sound people out there’: Amy Huberman, Paul Brady, Joseph O’Connor and more share their stories of kindness from strangers
Random Acts of Kindness Day, which falls today, offers a salutary reminder that even a small gesture can elevate someone else’s mood. Here, several well-known names share their stories
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-year-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’
Finding out she’s a Taurus rather than an Aries has led to her questioning hundreds of life decisions she made based her horoscope
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us
‘They don’t really send people from our background to prison, do they?’ wonders Sorcha on the morning of Honor’s sentencing
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve got my top off, and Réaltín’s looking at me like my old man turning his nose up at cheap steak
Seriously – intense isn’t the word for this woman
‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not the victim. She is a highly intelligent young woman from a privileged background’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor pretends to sneeze, but instead of ‘achoo!’ she goes ‘fock you!’ to the prosecution barrister
Paul Howard’s alternative Ireland, a comedic version of Booker Prize winning novel Prophet Song
In Operation Trumpsformation, Howard writes about Ross O’Carroll-Kelly’s father Charles, a corrupt local politician who has his eyes on greater power
‘How could the child of a mother who puts the mental into environmental action grow up with a moral compass?’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara is here to talk about Honor’s case - and who to sacrifice to save her from jail
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: She’s hord work, my new padel portner. But the girl fascinates me. She’s like a female me
Réaltín and I have an intuitive understanding that only great lovers, or an out-half and his inside-centre, could fully understand
‘Ross, this was my sliding doors moment. And I made the wrong choice’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha has made an alarming discovery during her annual New Year’s Day clear-out
‘The Leopardstown Races, eh, Ross? A great way to blow off the old cobwebs after Christmas!’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz Day is a tradition for the O’Carroll-Kelly men
Honor is like, ‘There’s no chocolate Kimberleys left,’ and that’s when I end up suddenly losing my sh*t
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s three days before the big day and Cornelscourt is like the Battle of the Bastards scene from Game of Thrones
‘Oh my God, is this really all the books that we own as a family? I’m so ashamed’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha wants to make our own Christmas tree out of books this year. I think she’s been at the eggnog
‘You need to look up the difference between mincemeat and minced meat. Merry focking Christmas’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We’re off to give my godson Ross Junior his Christmas present, but his old dear will already be in a fouler at the thought of me coming. She hates my guts
‘I’ve never even cleaned up my own children’s vomit, I’m not mopping up after some randomer’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We’re doing the usual volunteering at the annual Christmas fete and this year we’ve been put on toilet-cleaning duties as a punishment
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