Ross O'Carroll-Kelly columns
She’s preparing a 15-bird roast for her old pair the week before Christmas, and I can already feel the tension coming off her
Before she falls asleep in the nursing home, she whispers a secret in my ear
I’m absolutely sure I wrapped the Christmas lights last year, and didn’t just fock them into the same box
Honor goes, ‘Don’t worry – it’s just our mother looking for likes from strangers again’
Honor’s like, ‘You compared me to Donald Trump’
There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. Who could be responsible for this cornage?
Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: JP is running the marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, but Honor’s telling runners they’re out of their focking minds
The old man is depressed about the closure of his favourite restaurant, and Hennessy is looking like a kid whose favourite toy is broken and he’s waiting for a grown-up to fix it for him
The goys are up in orms that I used to send them chicken feathers anonymously in the post after lousy displays. But I was their captain
Yeah, no, I’ve badly misjudged this one. She’s actually talking about having another baby
Hennessy, the old man and Honor are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. Which is exactly what they are
Oisinn is feeling old as he shows up to compere the UCD Iron Stomach Contest, but his exploits in the competition are still legendary on campus 23 years on
Sorcha is making unfounded allegations that my old man and Honor are in cahoots over the closed-bids system for the school skiing trip
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve possibly spoiled our daughter over the years, having decided very early on to give her absolutely everything she wants out of fear of the hurtful things she might say to me
Leo’s teacher stares at me silently. She’s clearly never met a father like me before
Teenagers are a mystery. You might as well ask why it gets dork at night. Nobody knows
The plot is farcical on the surface, but the absurdity of Ross’s life cloaks the relatable beneath
She goes, ‘Are you actually trying to talk me out of taking you back?’
The kitchen door opens and in they come, Sorcha’s old pair, the two of them with faces as long as an M50 tailback
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: At a borbecue in Christian’s gaff the cat is thrown out of the bag ... and now I’m in deep merde
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The vicar-slash-reverend-slash-whatever is joking about that – but not about the baptism part
My daughter has failed to turn up for community service. ‘Hennessy can’t get you out of every legal scrape,’ I say, an out-and-out lie
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m reading the epistle from St Paul to – randomly – the Ephesians, when Christian tells me his ex wants to get back together
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The boss woman in the Protestant church sees through me and presents her test to scare off timewasters
If getting Brian, Johnny and Leo into a new school means changing my religion and getting up on Sunday mornings, then I’ll do it
I assumed she was being sorcastic when she asked for tickets as port of her birthday present
We can’t help what we dream about. I’m on the record as saying her old dear has a face like a roofer’s knee
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Whiff of corruption hangs in air as Sorcha hosts ‘end-of-term lunch’ for Mount Anville moms
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha is furious when she discovers that Ross got a tattoo in homage to Leinster’s European Cup achievements
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The results are about to be announced in the election for Head Girl of Mount Anville
Paul Howard’s next Ross O’Carroll-Kelly book will be last in the million-selling series but Irish Times column will carry on
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s Friday afternoon in London, the day before the European Champions Cup final. We’ve spent the last three hours talking about our favourite memories from our years following Leinster
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha claims the campaign for Honor to become Mount Anville Head Girl has been dragged into the gutter - through personal attacks on other candidates and inducements to students to vote for her
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The election to decide Mount Anville’s next Head Girl is weeks away and Honor is one of the candidates
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Taxi drivers see people like us in our sailing jackets and our sailing shoes, and they drive us all over the place
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: This is south Dublin. We have our own ways here
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old man has been secretly filmed doing something frankly sickening, but Honor says she can get the video taken down - at a price
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Réaltín really is the most terrifying person I’ve ever met
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Don’t you dare tell me that I’m over-reacting!’ she goes. ‘Don’t you dare try to gaslight me!’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Seriously, the Leinster Padel Championships make the Hunger Games look like Sports Day in Newpork Comprehensive
The gorda is about to do me for speeding, but some things are more important than avoiding a driving ban
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: On Sunday, it will be 25 years to the day since I led Castlerock College to victory, but where are the goys?
I’m playing in the quarter-finals of the Leinster Padel Championship with Réaltín when I feel suddenly hot and, I dunno, jerky
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Yes, I’m wearing Lynx Africa, not to mask the smell of adultery, but that of B.O. - unbelievable as that obviously is
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: After less than 60 seconds of this, she stops and goes, ‘I’m ringing Ronan’
Finding out she’s a Taurus rather than an Aries has led to her questioning hundreds of life decisions she made based her horoscope
Random Acts of Kindness Day, which falls today, offers a salutary reminder that even a small gesture can elevate someone else’s mood. Here, several well-known names share their stories
‘They don’t really send people from our background to prison, do they?’ wonders Sorcha on the morning of Honor’s sentencing
Seriously – intense isn’t the word for this woman
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor pretends to sneeze, but instead of ‘achoo!’ she goes ‘fock you!’ to the prosecution barrister
In Operation Trumpsformation, Howard writes about Ross O’Carroll-Kelly’s father Charles, a corrupt local politician who has his eyes on greater power
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara is here to talk about Honor’s case - and who to sacrifice to save her from jail
Réaltín and I have an intuitive understanding that only great lovers, or an out-half and his inside-centre, could fully understand
Crosswords & puzzles to keep you challenged and entertained
Inquests into the nightclub fire that led to the deaths of 48 people
How does a post-Brexit world shape the identity and relationship of these islands
Weddings, Births, Deaths and other family notices
