You might have come upon the heated debate in Britain last week over whether or not a scotch egg could be classified as a substantial meal, thereby allowing alcohol to be served in pubs to customers buying a single egg.
Government minister Michael Gove didn’t exactly clarify the situation by first telling LBC radio station that “a couple of scotch eggs is a starter, as far as I’m concerned”, before informing ITV news later in the same day that a scotch egg is, indeed, a substantial meal.
When it was pointed out to him that he had performed the mother of all u-turns on the issue, he simply pleaded with the British public to use their common sense. One member of the public, Manchester United old-boy David May, did just that. The photo of the receipt he tweeted after visiting The Refinery bar in London showed he had spent £409.50 on 63 pints of Peroni, £83.40 on 12 glasses of Prosecco and £7.25 on … one scotch egg.
Lest you’re concerned he consumed the whole lot himself, there were nine people in his party. So, that means they had one ninth of a scotch egg each. We’d be doubtful enough that Gove would classify that as a substantial meal.
Quote of the week
“In your unique way, you taught us that we have to love and say ‘I love you’ a lot more often. Your quick departure didn’t let me say it to you, so I will just write: I love you, Diego.” - Pele.
By the numbers
37.9: That’s the percentage of Premier League games won by away sides so far this season, compared to 30.2 per cent the last. Who’d have thunk crowds influence refs?
Angriest Coach of the Week
We’ll go with Bologna gaffer Sinisa Mihajlovic who reckons that someone in his squad is leaking his team selections and tactics to the press.
Inspired, perhaps, by Coleen Rooney’s rather excellent detective work in the Wagatha Christie saga, Mihajlovic tried out some new tactics in training, that he never intended using in games, just to see if they’d end up in the press. They, eh, did.
“I only tried out a new formation to find out who the **** is talking to journalists. I did it on purpose because no one was expecting it, so now I’m investigating.”
How will deal with the culprit if he catches him? Quite severely. “I swear, if I find who’s been speaking with the media I’m sticking him to the wall. I’ll make sure he doesn’t play again. I promise that I’ll find him. And when I find him, things will get ugly.”
After Saturday’s 3-1 defeat by Inter Milan, Mihajlovic was asked if he’d had any luck catching the mole. “If I had found him, you’d have noticed someone was missing. We are still in the process of investigating…”. Thoughts and prayers for the culprit.
Word of mouth
“I know that you... YOU whoever you are ..... will become aware of this message. I tell you just that you better pray, and pray hard, that I never find out who you are, because I will make sure you are persecuted for life by the law, seeing as ‘I can’t’ do it any other way. You cowardly b*stards.” How angry is Mario Balotelli about his car being vandalised? Very.
“We are not even in the race. We are not a horse, we’re just a pony.” - José Mourinho insisting that Spurs are dwarfed by carthorses like Liverpool and Manchester City in the title race.
“How do the British people say it? ‘You have to show it on a windy night in Stoke’? It was not windy and Stuttgart is not Stoke, but .....”. - Apart from that, Bayern Munich’s Thomas Muller’s analogy worked well.
“I know that people probably don’t think this about me, but I consider myself a very humble person.” - José Mourinho. It’s the way he tells ‘em.
“Bruno Fernandes can give balls of which you say ‘I never saw them coming’. Van de Beek always gives balls that I think ‘I saw that too’, so there is little surprise in it. He is not a world-class player, more Everton.” - Former Dutch international Rene van der Gijp managing to insult both Donny and Everton in one fell swoop.
“The facilities that we’ve got changed in were an absolute disgrace today. The toilets were blocked up, we’ve got fumes coming in from a bloody engine outside the dressing room. A pigsty. In fact, pigs would have seen it and run away.” - Middlesbrough boss Neil Warnock just a touch peeved about the quality of the portacabin provided by Stoke City for his players for Saturday’s game. Which Middlesbrough lost, just to lighten his mood.
