Resentment is no fun for anyone. This moody, brooding anger can seep into relationships like a giant, invisible obstacle, says Louize Carroll, co-founder of PRISM Therapy Online. Unfilled expectations are often at the root of it. The problem is the other person may be totally unaware of those expectations.
“We are holding them to account for very high levels of expectations, they don’t deliver and suddenly our view of them has changed. We feel like they have almost let us down. We can feel furious about that,” says Carroll.
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Express yourself
If we haven’t expressed our needs, being resentful when the other person doesn’t meet them is hardly fair. Being direct about what we want might make us feel less resentment.
“A lot of magical thinking goes on in relationships. You expect that they know and can intuit what you need and when that doesn’t happen, you think this has great meaning,” says Carroll. “We make meaning out of how people behave or don’t behave and we interpret that in relation to what they believe to be true about us.”
It can all boil down to insecurity. “If someone doesn’t behave the way we want them to, it can lead us back to questioning our own worth,” she says.
Ask for what you need
“What leads to really strong, healthy relationships is saying, ‘I would love it if you did this because it makes me feel loved, it makes me feel seen and it makes me feel like you understand me more’. Now they know. They know how to love you,” says Carroll. Whether it’s at work, at home or in friendships, articulating what you expect eliminates the space and opportunity for resentment to grow.
If you have a tendency towards resentment, and the other person is important to you, try treating them as innocent unless you have absolute evidence to the contrary
Resentment can be a pattern
If you examine your relationships, you may see a pattern. “You may spend your whole life reacting to certain things in certain ways and you may not be aware of how that impacts the other person,” says Carroll. “If you feel resentful, your behaviour can end up being really withdrawn, your expressions can fall, you may not realise how that impacts the other person who feels out in the cold and has no idea why.”
What if I’m already resentful?
There is a way out, but it takes one of you to leave ego at the door and not to take things super personally. If your partner isn’t good at articulating their needs and slips into resentment, talk to them. “You could say, ‘It looks like you are disappointed in me’ – naming what you think you see is a really useful thing to do,” says Carroll.
If you have a tendency towards resentment, and the other person is important to you, try treating them as innocent unless you have absolute evidence to the contrary, she says.
