Take it on the chin, suck it up, you’ll be grand – if you’ve experienced a challenge, family and friends can be impatient for your recovery. “Sometimes we get a message that emotions like anger, disappointment, resentment and jealousy are seen as bad or wrong,” says Keelin O’Dwyer, behavioural psychologist at online therapy platform, Fettle.ie.
But every emotion has a function, she says. Instead of trying to repress or battle difficult emotions, which can make them bubble up even stronger, acknowledge them. “In Ireland, we are very dismissive of our emotions. But if we kind of acknowledge the let-down we faced and allow ourselves to feel the sadness, we will feel a lot better in the long term.”
Let it out
If you are wrestling with difficult feelings, expressing them can help with letting them go. “There are a lot of studies with regard to people who have been through a difficult break-up. Psychologists have found those who wrote down their thoughts and feelings recovered much quicker than those who didn’t,” says O’Dwyer. “They also had better physical and mental health in the months after the study,” she says. Talk to a friend, write down your feelings or express them in some creative way – getting your feelings out can help you recover.
Forgive and forget?
If someone has done you wrong, don’t feel you have to skip straight to forgiveness. “Acknowledge your own pain and be kind to yourself first,” says O’Dwyer. “When we are kinder to ourselves, we are more likely to be compassionate towards other people, but I think you need to go through the process of feeling your feelings first.”
It isn’t good to hold on to challenging feelings towards someone, research shows. “The more you process the disappointment, the more likely forgiveness will show up naturally when it’s ready. But it is not something to be forced.”
In your own time
We recover from some things faster than others and that has a lot to do with our history, says O’Dwyer. If you have a really difficult relationship with family members, a break-up might hit harder because of losses you suffered before. Someone may be especially triggered by workplace bullying if they were also bullied at school. “A lot of how we process disappointment and get over things has to do with our past,” says O’Dwyer. “That’s why it’s important to be compassionate towards ourselves.”
No Ted Talks
If a loved one is struggling with difficult emotions, try not Ted Talk them out of it. “It can be hard if someone is going on about a certain situation constantly. You want to help, but you don’t have to have the solution,” says O’Dwyer. “Even sitting there saying, ‘I’m here for you. How would you like me to help?’ It’s just about letting the person have that space. That’s really helpful in them moving forward.”
Hang on
Holding on to anger and disappointment is bad if it stops you from living the life you want to lead. Feeling resentful after a difficult break-up for example can block you from pursuing a healthy relationship. Feeling angry with an employer can impact your work. If you feel you are getting caught up in difficult thoughts and emotions and can’t get over a setback, talk to a trained professional, says O’Dwyer. “Having guided help to process things can help you get from where you are to where you want to be.”
