Humility is the quality of having a modest view of one’s importance, or the importance of one’s own opinion. “I would describe humility as staying open to the truth in every context, despite what you think you might know,” says Louize Carroll, consultant psychologist and co-founder of Prismtherapy.online.com. “The fundamental essence of humility is that it’s accepting,” says Carroll.
Does that mean being a pushover?
You can be accepting of something without condoning it, says Carroll. “What we see a lot of in society is a conflation of advocacy and aggression,” she says. “But advocacy for something can be done with humility. It does not have to be aggressive to be effective.”
Be like Socrates
Making really concrete assertions, as can be the norm on social media, is not humility. “Socrates said, the more I learn, the less I know. That idea can feel really threatening for people because it feels safe to have information, to feel we know the right answer,” says Carroll. “The essence of humility is the ability to recognise that just because I may have read something, or know somebody who knows somebody who went through something, does not mean I know the essence of that experience. You don’t know what it feels like,” says Carroll.
But I love a good Twitter spat…
If you’re interested in humility, hold your fire. “The challenge with humility is being vulnerable enough to say, this is extremely complex and I am unwilling to write what I think about it in 280 characters,” says Carroll. “We are in this zeitgeist where there is a push against defining anything as binary in any way, yet at the same time, we have become absolute about somebody being either all good or all bad. Either a hero or a villain,” she says. Practising humility means allowing for nuance. “Just because we feel a certain thing does not make it true. Just because we wish it to be in existence does not make it real.”
So, pause before posting?
“Yes, humility means pausing before judging someone, before cancelling someone or before gossiping about someone. Look at yourself first,” says Carroll. “Ask, why do I in this moment feel compelled to denigrate this person, or to show them up. Psychologically speaking, it can be because it makes me feel more right. It makes me feel I’ll get acceptance from others and feel belonging. Even if it’s belonging to a flame-throwing mob.”
Take a deeper look
The person who shuns humility, that’s the person who has to be right, or who gets defensive around every corner. “That’s the wounded child in us who adapted to cope,” says Carroll. “That was smart once, but it doesn’t benefit us as adults. It does not benefit our relationships,” she explains. Humility comes from deep reflection. “Ask what are my values, what do I care about, and is my behaviour aligned with that? How do I want to be seen by the people I love – do I want them to think I’m aggressive and shaming, or do I want them to think I am considered, thoughtful and caring.” Know your values and check if your behaviour is actually aligned with them.
