Conflict isn’t always bad, you just need to know how to do it right. “Conflict has to happen, but it has to be handled carefully, otherwise it won’t work as an investment in the relationship and it will only serve to harm a relationship and the people involved,” says Dr Ciara McEnteggart, psychologist with Perspectives Ireland.
Keep emotions separate
When we add emotion, conflict can quickly become unhealthy. “That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have emotions about a disagreement, or that you shouldn’t express them,” says McEnteggart. “It’s more that you should handle and express the conflict in one way and the emotion in another way. It’s about trying to keep the two as separate as possible.”
For example, if you struggle to feel heard or understood in a relationship, that can overflow into a conflict. “The conflict then becomes more about those unmet needs than about the issue itself. Conflict is the wrong channel for those needs, those needs need to be put in a different channel,” she says.
Check in with yourself before engaging in conflict. “Look inwards and say, where am I at, what is this really about – is it about a difference of opinion or is it about an unmet need?” says McEnteggart.
Know your conflict style
If the conflict is about a difference of opinion, it helps to know your conflict style. This will dictate whether you are more likely to approach conflict or avoid it. Conflict avoiders tend to minimise issues – they say “it’s fine”, when it’s really not. “They can be the martyr who feels they have to carry the issue by themselves. They might be people-pleasers who fear rocking the boat. Conflict avoiders tend to give people the silent treatment, but then they explode,” says McEnteggart. Conflict seekers, by contrast, may feel they have to be right. “Or they feel it’s the only way they actually get listened to.”
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How do I start the conversation?
Never talk about the issue when you feel heated, angry or upset. Just pause and breathe, says McEnteggart. The next step is to write down the issue, she says. “What is the actual issue, what is the difference of opinion? Then write down your emotional reaction to the issue – how is it making you feel? This separates the issue from the emotion,” she says. Write down too, the assumptions you might be making about the other person’s position. “Sometimes we make assumptions before going into a conflict and we may not be correct,” says McEnteggart.
Have a plan
Before you start the conversation, think about what you want to achieve from it. “Have the beginnings of an outcome in mind. Sometimes we go in without knowing and we are halfway through and we feel like we are getting nowhere,” says McEnteggart.
“Think about where you are going to have this conversation too – a day, a time or a place. That way you have the most ownership possible over the conflict and you are less likely to let emotions get in the way.” If the other person is resistant to talking, she advises saying: “Having this conversation is important to me, this relationship is important to me, can we think about having this discussion?”
Agree to disagree, or walk away
In some cases, agreeing to disagree is a necessary outcome, says McEnteggart. If the issue is something fundamental to your relationship, however, then question if the relationship is still worth investing in, or is it beyond saving. “If it is beyond saving and there is nothing to be salvaged, you probably don’t want to spend a lot of energy on it anymore because you will just burn yourself out to keep the conflict going.”
