‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’Sorcha is making unfounded allegations that my old man and Honor are in cahoots over the closed-bids system for the school skiing tripSat Sept 21 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:27
The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve possibly spoiled our daughter over the years, having decided very early on to give her absolutely everything she wants out of fear of the hurtful things she might say to meSat Sept 14 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:13
A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster Leo’s teacher stares at me silently. She’s clearly never met a father like me beforeSat Sept 07 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:34
‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’Teenagers are a mystery. You might as well ask why it gets dork at night. Nobody knowsSat Aug 31 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:34
Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bagShe goes, ‘Are you actually trying to talk me out of taking you back?’Sat Aug 24 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:11
It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40thThe kitchen door opens and in they come, Sorcha’s old pair, the two of them with faces as long as an M50 tailbackSat Aug 17 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:14
‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: At a borbecue in Christian’s gaff the cat is thrown out of the bag ... and now I’m in deep merdeSat Aug 10 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:29
How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The vicar-slash-reverend-slash-whatever is joking about that – but not about the baptism partSat Aug 03 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:16
Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’My daughter has failed to turn up for community service. ‘Hennessy can’t get you out of every legal scrape,’ I say, an out-and-out lieSat Jul 27 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:40
‘Protestants are not that much different from us. I mean, they’re definitely less craic, but they get sh*t done’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m reading the epistle from St Paul to – randomly – the Ephesians, when Christian tells me his ex wants to get back togetherSat Jul 20 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:08
‘What’s on offer,’ she goes, smiling, ‘is eternal life,’ and I do believe she’s flirtingRoss O’Carroll-Kelly: The boss woman in the Protestant church sees through me and presents her test to scare off timewastersSat Jul 13 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:13
‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’If getting Brian, Johnny and Leo into a new school means changing my religion and getting up on Sunday mornings, then I’ll do itSat Jul 06 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:33
Honor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’I assumed she was being sorcastic when she asked for tickets as port of her birthday presentSat Jun 29 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:11
Sorcha goes, ‘You had an erotic dream – about my mom?’We can’t help what we dream about. I’m on the record as saying her old dear has a face like a roofer’s kneeSat Jun 22 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:30
Sorcha refuses to meet my eye. And I don’t blame her – setting up her own daughter like thisRoss O’Carroll-Kelly: Whiff of corruption hangs in air as Sorcha hosts ‘end-of-term lunch’ for Mount Anville momsSat Jun 15 2024 - 06:00Listen | 06:54
‘I want it gone, Ross. I want you to get it lasered off’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha is furious when she discovers that Ross got a tattoo in homage to Leinster’s European Cup achievementsSat Jun 08 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:23
Honor and Liesel are both smiling and it’s like driving towards a cor with its lights on full beam. I end up having to turn awayRoss O’Carroll-Kelly: The results are about to be announced in the election for Head Girl of Mount AnvilleSat Jun 01 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:58
‘Goys – it’s time that I got the tattoo’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s Friday afternoon in London, the day before the European Champions Cup final. We’ve spent the last three hours talking about our favourite memories from our years following LeinsterSat May 25 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:33
‘Ross, someone has put up a poster of Honor on Foster Avenue.’ Apporently kompromat is the solution?Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha claims the campaign for Honor to become Mount Anville Head Girl has been dragged into the gutter - through personal attacks on other candidates and inducements to students to vote for herSat May 18 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:19
‘What if she wins, Ross? I’ve already heard some of the other moms refer to her as the Trump candidate’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The election to decide Mount Anville’s next Head Girl is weeks away and Honor is one of the candidatesSat May 11 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:39
Can’t a father and son go for a pint without there being some, I don’t know, anterior motive?Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Taxi drivers see people like us in our sailing jackets and our sailing shoes, and they drive us all over the placeSat May 04 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:30
Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievementRoss O’Carroll-Kelly: This is south Dublin. We have our own ways hereSat Apr 27 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:20
‘There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old man has been secretly filmed doing something frankly sickening, but Honor says she can get the video taken down - at a priceSat Apr 20 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:23
‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Réaltín really is the most terrifying person I’ve ever metSat Apr 13 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:17
‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Don’t you dare tell me that I’m over-reacting!’ she goes. ‘Don’t you dare try to gaslight me!’Sat Apr 06 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:02
‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Seriously, the Leinster Padel Championships make the Hunger Games look like Sports Day in Newpork ComprehensiveSat Mar 30 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:23
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’The gorda is about to do me for speeding, but some things are more important than avoiding a driving banSat Mar 23 2024 - 05:00
Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles HeaslipRoss O’Carroll-Kelly: On Sunday, it will be 25 years to the day since I led Castlerock College to victory, but where are the goys?Sat Mar 16 2024 - 06:00Listen | 05:54
‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’I’m playing in the quarter-finals of the Leinster Padel Championship with Réaltín when I feel suddenly hot and, I dunno, jerkySat Mar 09 2024 - 00:00Listen | 05:52
‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Yes, I’m wearing Lynx Africa, not to mask the smell of adultery, but that of B.O. - unbelievable as that obviously isSat Mar 02 2024 - 06:00Listen | 05:45
Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved oneRoss O’Carroll-Kelly: After less than 60 seconds of this, she stops and goes, ‘I’m ringing Ronan’Sat Feb 24 2024 - 05:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-year-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’Finding out she’s a Taurus rather than an Aries has led to her questioning hundreds of life decisions she made based her horoscopeSat Feb 17 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:15
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us‘They don’t really send people from our background to prison, do they?’ wonders Sorcha on the morning of Honor’s sentencingSat Feb 10 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:15
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve got my top off, and Réaltín’s looking at me like my old man turning his nose up at cheap steakSeriously – intense isn’t the word for this womanSat Feb 03 2024 - 05:00Listen | 05:52
‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not the victim. She is a highly intelligent young woman from a privileged background’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor pretends to sneeze, but instead of ‘achoo!’ she goes ‘fock you!’ to the prosecution barristerSat Jan 27 2024 - 05:00Listen | 07:21
‘How could the child of a mother who puts the mental into environmental action grow up with a moral compass?’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara is here to talk about Honor’s case - and who to sacrifice to save her from jailSat Jan 20 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:51
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: She’s hord work, my new padel portner. But the girl fascinates me. She’s like a female meRéaltín and I have an intuitive understanding that only great lovers, or an out-half and his inside-centre, could fully understandSat Jan 13 2024 - 05:00Listen | 06:20
‘Ross, this was my sliding doors moment. And I made the wrong choice’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha has made an alarming discovery during her annual New Year’s Day clear-outSat Jan 06 2024 - 05:00
‘The Leopardstown Races, eh, Ross? A great way to blow off the old cobwebs after Christmas!’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz Day is a tradition for the O’Carroll-Kelly menSat Dec 30 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:36
Honor is like, ‘There’s no chocolate Kimberleys left,’ and that’s when I end up suddenly losing my sh*tRoss O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s three days before the big day and Cornelscourt is like the Battle of the Bastards scene from Game of ThronesSat Dec 23 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:27
‘Oh my God, is this really all the books that we own as a family? I’m so ashamed’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha wants to make our own Christmas tree out of books this year. I think she’s been at the eggnogSat Dec 16 2023 - 05:00Listen | 07:08
‘You need to look up the difference between mincemeat and minced meat. Merry focking Christmas’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We’re off to give my godson Ross Junior his Christmas present, but his old dear will already be in a fouler at the thought of me coming. She hates my gutsSat Dec 09 2023 - 05:00Listen | 07:07
‘I’ve never even cleaned up my own children’s vomit, I’m not mopping up after some randomer’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We’re doing the usual volunteering at the annual Christmas fete and this year we’ve been put on toilet-cleaning duties as a punishmentSat Dec 02 2023 - 05:00
‘Sneaking around behind my wife’s back is something I’m very, very good at, in fairness to me’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha’s an unbelievable wife and mother, but she can’t satisfy all of my needsSat Nov 25 2023 - 05:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I wake up on Sunday morning thinking, am I having one of my famous erotic dreams?Sorcha has set up a game of padel with Bradan and Réaltín. It’s the game everyone in south Dublin is playingSat Nov 18 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:18
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha is like me before every Ireland squad announcement – in other words, focking delusionalIt’s the Killiney and Dalkey Combined Christmas Fete meeting, and we’re about as welcome as a snot-nosed kid in a bridal shopSat Nov 11 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:15
‘When I close my eyes at night, I can still see that bird’s horrible, leering face’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s the old man’s birthday, and Ronan has brought a surprising present to cheer him upSat Nov 04 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:33
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Sorcha, I honestly don’t think we can just saunter in here like nothing has happened’It’s the Mount Anville Past and Present Parents Association’s ‘Prayers and Prosecco Morning’Sat Oct 28 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:00
‘Ross, this is all your fault, you sniggering halfwit - that daughter of yours has been going wrong since the day she was born’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha is resigning from the Seanad because of Honor’s actions, and I’m in the firing line with her old pairSat Oct 21 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:32
‘Ross, didn’t you get a present of an All Blacks jersey once and use it to wash the cor?’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: There’s something to be said for doing a complete cull of your friends every few years. Keep them around too long and they get to know too much about youSat Oct 14 2023 - 06:02Listen | 06:03
