'I've got news, Ross, that'll blow away your Budget-day blues'“I can’t suddenly switch my attentions to one of her mates just because I’ve lost interest in her. This isn’t WesleySat Dec 11 2010 - 00:00
'Need a woord from the woyiz, Rosser. There's this boord . . .'Ronan’s old dear isn’t happy, roysh, but when the boy asks for expert advice on the deadlier of the sexes, what’s a man to do…Sat Nov 27 2010 - 00:00
'I wanted to give you this. Ross, it's my application for a divorce'Me and my big Moët – I thought we’d celebrate Aung San whatsit getting out, but Sorcha wasn’t in the mood to portySat Nov 20 2010 - 00:00
'Fionnuala O'Carroll-Kelly is back! Three exclamation marks!!!'They’re all gushing over the old dear’s new recession novelSat Nov 13 2010 - 00:00
'It was like 'The X Factor', Ross. It's only a job in a clothes shop'Honor’s playdate with Mallorie could end up my playdate with Mallorie’s old dear if I play my cords rightSat Oct 30 2010 - 01:00
'It has to be said that I've turned out to be an amazing father'It’d make any dad proud: Ro’s notched up number three of the ‘Seven Brides’, and her boyfriend is in – yes! – Clongowes…Sat Oct 09 2010 - 01:00
'Where's her degree from? Is it, like, Dumb Blonde School?'Healing through t’ai chi? The only t’ai chi that interests me is the horizontal kind – and not in the focking circus field in…Sat Oct 02 2010 - 01:00
'See, Rosser, she thinks she's me girdle friend. She keeps texting'When Ro starts going soft on the Mounties, it’s time for some fatherly advice and a demonstration of the rugby-tackle method …Sat Sept 25 2010 - 01:00
'How could he be that mullered at half-eight in the morning?'Letting the old man go on the radio after a night on the lash? Even I could tell Sorcha that’s not the best campaign strategy…Sat Sept 18 2010 - 01:00
'I've seen more meat on a snackbox the morning after'My dodgy neighbours are planning to skip off to Spain, so we may have a chance now of actually selling our gaffsSat Sept 11 2010 - 01:00
'One, two, three, four, we want no subs in Dublin 4!'The old dear is rallying the troops against this sambo shop in Donnybrook, and they’re not going to roll over in a hurrySat Aug 28 2010 - 01:00
'What have you done? I can't go to the wedding looking like this'Gotta look the port for Drico’s do – but why does that spray tan look so dork? writes ROSS O'CARROLL-KELLYSat Jul 03 2010 - 01:00
'Now, I don't embarrass easily. I played for UCD, remember'Sorcha’s little sister – Orphelia or Azaria or whatever – obviously has the hots for meSat Jun 19 2010 - 01:00
'I need you to find someone for me. Her name's, like, Daniella'No one makes a fool of the Rosser, roysh. Time to call in the big gunsSat May 22 2010 - 01:00
'Can't you see, Ross? It's finally happened. You're being played.'Can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t get her on the iPhone – it must be loveSat May 15 2010 - 01:00
'Look, no offence, but I've never been into post-match chat'This chick is using my best lines – in fact, she could be actual me?Sat May 08 2010 - 01:00
'A flatbed truck and a Hiace van on Shrewsbury Road'So I’m heartless, cold, dead inside? If JP’s dad is trying to flatter me...Sat May 01 2010 - 01:00
'He's arthur putting me on the team for the Maths Olympiad'Tina and McGahy? If my lips weren’t paralysed by Vicks, roysh, I’d give them a piece of my mindSat Apr 17 2010 - 01:00
'You were spotted in Herbert Pork, timing her running laps'Non-competitive sport? No daughter of mine is gonna play that way – time to rewrite historySat Apr 10 2010 - 01:00
'Ronan is an absolute joy to have here at the school'I know McGahy hates rugby, but this has gone too far – and what’s with all the air-kissing?Sat Apr 03 2010 - 01:00
'Ross, you're 30 years of age and still behaving like a teenager'Hey, who wouldn’t want to end up like Johnny Ronan? And why does Sorcha suddenly care?Sat Mar 20 2010 - 00:00
'I'm the one living next door to Skobie O'Gill and the Lidl People'Turns out the old man and the New Westies are mates from the Gladiator Academy daysSat Mar 13 2010 - 00:00
'You got me out of bed to watch you two punk George Lee?'The old man back in public office? He’s right – this city really is going down the toiletSat Feb 13 2010 - 00:00
'It struck me how like my old man I'm beginning to sound'Time to speak out about the inequalities in our society – as in, like, restoring them?Sat Jan 30 2010 - 00:00
'It struck me how like my old man I'm beginning to sound'Time to speak out about the inequalities in our society – as in, like, restoring them?Sat Jan 30 2010 - 00:00
'What were you doing? Checking out the Budget?'Christian, my best friend in the world, is home from the States for Christmas – and something’s playing on his mindSat Dec 12 2009 - 00:00
'Oh my god! Eau d'Affluence. I only wore it, like, two days ago!'‘GOOD MORNING,” the voice goes. “The Plaza, New YorkSat Nov 28 2009 - 00:00
That's when I hear the dreaded words, 'Hold the lift!'‘It’s exactly who I thought it was – Terry, one of the Westies from next door, then, running behind, the brutter’Sat Nov 14 2009 - 00:00
'Even the use of the word illegal failed to put a smile on his face'The old parental instinct makes you do some crazy things – like walking down Westmoreland Street in a Henri Lloyd jacketSat Oct 31 2009 - 00:00
'The motor stops, then the bouncy castle storts to collapse'You’d need a hord hort in the repossession business, but I’d swear JP’s actually enjoying making these little kids cry.Sat Oct 24 2009 - 01:00
'My Leinster Schools Cup medal suddenly looks like a medallion'I’m supposed to give Sorcha moral support at the bank, but I didn’t know that meant, like, hitting on the bank bird?Sat Oct 17 2009 - 01:00
'He drops eight bags on the table, packed with white powder'I’m no snob, roysh, but I didn’t pay top dollar for this gaff to end up watching soccer and listening to Christy DignamSat Oct 10 2009 - 01:00
'She opens the Lidl bag and her face is lit up like a Gay Pride rally'Not even a borring order could keep me away from Sorcha’s 30th porty – but she’s having, like, a premature mid-life crisis…Sat Sept 26 2009 - 01:00
'He glowers at me like he wants to rip my manhood out'Sorcha’s old man needs my actual help – I’d almost gloat if I wasn’t so hungoverSat Sept 12 2009 - 01:00
'I grab the four-iron and open the door. They don't even flinch'The old dear’s on Oprah, and my aportment building has turned into an episode of ‘The Bill’Sat Aug 29 2009 - 01:00
'You should have switched me and Drico in Holles Street'I don’t mind work – I could watch it all day. But if the old man thinks he can bribe me with nice business cords...Sat Aug 15 2009 - 01:00
'I stared at it for a few seconds, all furry, like an old cinema corpet'I wouldn’t usually eat scobie food, but hey, if it raises the old dear’s blood pressure...Sat Jul 11 2009 - 01:00
'You couldn't sell my used boxers in here for a euro a throw'Sorcha’s stocking up like clothes are going out of fashion – which they may beSat Jul 04 2009 - 01:00
'I'm here to see Rebecca Healy of HDYS - or How Do You Sleep?'The old pair are giving me four hundred Ks to buy myself a penthouse, but anything I can get knocked off goes straight in the…Sat Jun 27 2009 - 01:00
'She looks like she's been bobbing for apples in a deep-fat fryer'This Economic Blahdy Blah is getting ridiculous – how can I possibly give up essentials like a new surfboard?Sat Jun 06 2009 - 01:00
'By lonely trading screen, he watched the share price falling'You already know the tunes – just bring these handy lyrics with you to Croker todaySat May 02 2009 - 01:00
'If you swung on those hairs, you'd hear the Christchurch bells'The old dear, in close-up HD, brandishing a tin-opener – this is scarier than ‘Saw III’Sat Apr 04 2009 - 01:00
'He's got an IQ of 140 - what's the point of him going to school?'Ro’s latest scheme sounds a winner – not sure about the two old goys working for himSat Mar 21 2009 - 00:00
'You're too young to remember the worst of it - the eighties'The old dear’s sob story is so depressing I’ll have to pour the dog an extra-large MerlotSat Mar 14 2009 - 00:00
'The next thing, roysh, the Taxpayers of Ireland stormed the box'I need a funny story to cheer Sorcha up, and the old man’s Croker choker is a doozySat Mar 07 2009 - 00:00
'England, put to the proverbial sword. Rest easy, Little One'The old man’s off on a rugby nostalgia trip – I might have to kick him back to realitySat Feb 28 2009 - 00:00
'If it wasn't for greed there would never have been a Celtic Tiger'ONE F rings me Thursday morningSat Feb 07 2009 - 00:00
'We lived the dream. Even seemed to defy gravity for a while . . .'The goys are having Celtic Tiger withdrawal – time to whip up the old rugby spiritSat Jan 31 2009 - 00:00
'Ah, I been eighty-sixed, Rosser. From every joint in this town. Dunes. Sands. The Hacienda. I been black-booked'My face, Ro's brains, 'Ocean's Eleven' - the casinos of Las Vegas might as well fold... writes Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Dec 27 2008 - 00:00
'Meery and Joseph aren't maddied, but Meery's pregnant. Don't ask how - you're getting into a whole wurdled of trouble there'SORCHA INVITES myself and Ro over to put up the deckies and it's nice, just the three of us, plus Honor, doing it as a kind of…Sat Dec 13 2008 - 00:00
